Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of my twelfth year clean.  Twelve years of life without a drug or drink containing alcohol!  An accomplishment for anyone in today's society a special accomplishment for those of us who once depended on a substance to make it through the day.  

It is a wonderful day, one which has replaced my actual day of birth as the day most deserving of a celebration.  My birthday is a distant second when I remember how much of my life this day has given back to be.  For 15 years I lost sight of how special each day was.  During that time, each day was something to get through, get beyond, get on to the next when the vicious cycle would be repeated again and again for 5,475 days!  Of course each was a celebration - totally different from the celebration that marks today.  Each day was a celebration which resulted in blocking out the past, future, and even the present existing solely for the opportunity to stuff memories and change feelings  with the use of a substance.  The feelings became further and further repressed, along with the memories until eventually I was acting.  Yes, acting.  Picking a feeling and behaving appropriately.  Remembering only the good or the positive, selectively choosing to continue to repress the perceived bad or the negative.  

 For the past 12 years I am blissfully aware of the specialness contained in each moment, interaction, feeling and memory.  For each has it's purpose and none are bad.   Each day I thank God for being exactly who I am - an addict in recovery.  This is a day that deserves to be celebrated.  Before I began working in Costa Rica the day was marked with a special celebration at my home group in Brooklyn.  The celebration was always fabulous - family and friends, members of 12-Step groups as well as those who are not would gather at 9:30 a.m. on Ft. Hamilton Parkway at the Serenity on Saturday meeting of NA.  Then we would all proceed to breakfast at a local diner.  The day was full of presents, presence, conversation, smiles, laughter and joy!  The joy of being.  

Today, the day is still full of presents, presence, smiles, laughter and joy.  The staff appreciates the specialness of this day, although they do not fully comprehend how their Charrito, the one they know, had ever taken a drink or a drug.  I was told this morning - "You are not that person, let it go, you are a new person, a wonderful person who does not drink".  For that is true, but I am also the person who did drink and use drugs.  And for me, I need to recognize and honor that fact.  For in forgetting we are only doomed to repeat.  

Each year, the days leading up to my anniversary have a pervading sense of what I can only term strangeness.   An overall feeling of ever present anxiety, accompanied by an inability to comprehend even the simplest instructions at times, emotions that seem so close to the surface they could easily burst, extreme reactions to the slightest change, increased tension in all of my muscles especially my jaw, just to name a few.  During this time, effort may be required to conduct myself in a professional fashion during working hours.  I seem to loose interest in day to day conversations with friends and family.  My tolerance dips to an all time low, taking with it my level of energy.  Although I remain excited at the prospect of life and grateful to be an addict in recovery, I seem to tire more easily and require a little more time alone just to sit.  

It has been like this every year of my recovery.  Initially it started 60 days before my anniversary.  For the first several years the number of days seemed to slowly decrease, 45 days the second, 30 the third.  Slowly ebbing and flowing between 20 - 30 days for a few years.  The last several years the period of time is shorter but equally intense - 10 - 15 days.  I marvel at my inability to make it all go away, resisting at first the difference.  When resistance proves futile, I accept and embrace the strangeness as part of the process.  The acceptance releases the judgement, but doesn’t change the symptoms.  It persists.  Until, on the actual day of my anniversary it all seems to disappear with my morning glass of water.  Gone are the feelings bubbling just below the surface, my muscles release and the anxiety lifts from my shoulders leaving me feeling free and whole.   I can almost convince myself that the last 10 - 60 days didn’t happen, wasn’t for real, for I am me again - the me I have always been.  Recovery has taught me that is not true.  For I am always me, sometimes it’s just a little more challenging to be me.

Happy Anniversary to Me!!!