Wednesday, April 1 - Miercoles
I have so much to write and so much to tell you. Since I’ve learned to write authentically, I am not going back to write each day as it occurred. I’ve been crying today. I’m very sad about leaving. I don’t want to leave. This is a little amazing to me, as I am usually ready to leave most places as schedule. Today, I do not want to leave. Today, I can’t imagine leaving in 10 days. Can’t imagine carrying through the things I have ahead of me without the greenery that currently surrounds me. Can’t imagine the beach without the rain forest or returning to the condo that I just had to have. The desire for something different is what causes the pain - not the actual leaving. The sadness recedes when I realize I don’t have to leave. Which is true, I don’t have to leave. I have managed to set up my life in such a way that I really don’t have to leave. Yes, I have promises and contracts to uphold - but in all reality I could easily be released from both. I have grown to love the people who work for the hotel, to rely on them and yes, to need them. I also appreciate them and relish each moment even if I have no idea what they are saying most of the time. I do not feel isolated. I feel loved, accepted and appreciated. As I walk through the property, drive through the rain forest, swim in the cascades I can’t imagine leaving. Here it’s easy to feel at one with nature, feel apart of something wonderful and miraculous. It’s an easier way of life. One without attachments to possessions or appearance. One that encourages me to breath and just exist. For existing is sufficient. Perhaps I am crying for the part of me I seem to loose each time I leave. The part that tries to keep up with the next guy, belong to the community, be a productive member of society seems to take over the part that knows existing, being present and living life is really what it is all about. It doesn’t matter if I fit in, dress right, get married, have a boyfriend, drive a nice car, have money to retire. All that matters is that I remain present in each moment and do the next right thing. Ah, the next right thing. So simple and yet so profound. What is the next right thing? How do we know? Why is that concept so difficult to grasp?
Eva arrived on Saturday and we fell into each other’s arms. Eva and I spend quality time together. The quantity may not be large - but the quality is fantastic. The last time I saw her was in December 2007 at a yoga event. It seems the only times we see each other are yoga events - teacher training in 2001, advanced teacher training in 2003, continuing education for yoga teachers in 2007. This is our first visit that involves yoga - we are both teaching - but isn’t consumed by yoga. Despite traveling since 11:30 p.m. Friday night - she is not exhausted. She is present. We catch up, talk, I show her the place and her energy supports me while I deal with the issues newly presented by the hotel. Ah, that seems so long ago. In actuality is was only 4 days and the issues were truly difficult. Again, it was my attachment to the yoga studio that caused most of the angst. Followed closely by the hotel’s blatant violation of our contract. Once I was able to let that go - the energy around the situation seemed less charged.
I spent Saturday morning, before Eva arrived on the zip line with Diego. Remember I mentioned I wanted to learn to walk off the platform and fly upside down alone? Well, Joaquin arranged for a private practice session for me. Diego and I drove out to the canopy. I learned how to put on my own harness, safely attach myself to the cables and walk off the platform. I wasn’t able to fly upside down by myself, as I wasn’t ready yet. I need a little more practice. So, I flew upside down with Diego by placing my knees on his hips and letting go with my hands. Then, Diego strapped a harness around my chest and I flew like superman, arms out at my sides, legs behind. Very liberating. After we completed all 8 lines, we walked back for the jeep. I jumped out of the jeep to fetch the harness’ and slipped on a step - cutting my leg. I had made it through the whole season, with all of my skin in tact. Funny, every year I injure myself and every year the injury becomes infected. This year is no exception. I have a little infection surrounding my cut and am waiting for hydrogen peroxide to clean it out.
I started teaching my workshop “The 12-Steps of Yoga”. Out of 8 participants - 6 drink alcohol. They are not in recovery. Four participants are here learning skills to take back to their work place. Two are here learning how to manage their stress and 2 are actually in recovery. At first I was amazed and confused. I re-read the course description and it clearly indicates recovery - well, as clearly as it is possible to reference an anonymous program. Then, as the workshop progressed, I realized the skills I teach are applicable to all and this was confirmed in our sharing circle on Monday evening. Each participant has had huge shifts, I have shifted as well. That is one of the most fabulous gifts of carrying the message, teaching a workshop, living authentically - everyone shifts.
The caiman, the one who has kept me company the past 3 seasons and wasn’t very visible this season has died. I saw the staff carrying him out of the lagoon on Monday. It was very sad to see this large, majestic reptile dead. Curiosity got the better of me and I watched with interest as they carried him past. His mouth was open and he appeared to have wire, brush or sticks all around his mouth, his eyes were vacant and from their appearance it looked like he had been dead for some time. As soon as I saw this I wished I had turned away. But I remained fixed, continuing to watch, seeing his underbelly, his penis and the area surrounding the penis followed by his very large tail. I couldn’t get the thought of the dead caiman out of my head. I wondered if he was ill and perhaps that’s why I hadn’t seen him this season. I wondered if the energy work I did on a friend caused his death as I sent the energy to the caiman before I remembered to turn it into something beneficial. I started looking for a dead turtle as I also sent some energy to the turtle. I thought about it often. Then, yesterday I learned that the night guards had found a porcupine in the ceiling of the reception area. They carried the porcupine to the lagoon thinking the caiman would eat him. Well, the caiman did try to eat the porcupine. Apparently it was the porcupine quills that killed the caiman. The porcupine returned to the ceiling of reception and now the area smells like onions. Yes, onions. Apparently porcupines smell like onions. I don’t really notice the smell, but apparently others do because the hotel has posted a sign indicating that the strong onion smell is due to the porcupine living in the roof.
Today, I joined the group for the full day tour. This time, I wisely chose to walk. I arrived at the zip line earlier than the horseback riders and watched as they dismounted. I learned that no one, except the Costa Ricans, appear graceful during dismount and everyone walks strangely upon dismounting. I flew through the zip lines, going upside down with Pistolo. He is smaller than Diego - so I easily and with pleasure wrapped my legs around his waist, let go with my hands and flew completely extended upside down through the rain forest. Eva and I spent time talking and catching up while swimming in the cascades and before I knew it, it was time to return. I missed the ride with the people who were going rafting - so I rode back with the staff. I sat in the back of the truck, surrounded by 6 staff members easily bantering with each other. I stared out the window at the passing greenery, marveled at the diversity of trees and tried not to cry.
